Working with couples we come to realize that we are different, far beyond the obvious gender differences. You will have heard the saying: Opposites attract. Once the attraction has died down, we are left to deal with the effects of those differences...
There are obviously many differences. In the following article I will endeavor to collect the ones that come up the most often in my couples counselling work.
Self-focused - other focused
One of the main differences is that one partner usually is more self-focused and the other is more focused on other people. This can look like this: One partner prides themselves on thinking about and considering other people, like looking after their parents, buying all the Christmas presents, always writing birthday cards for all the friends and driving the kids to sports. The other partner is more often doing things that are good for them, like going for a bike weekend with mates, reading the newspaper, going for a run on Sunday mornings, creating new business ventures or taking time out for themselves.
The problems this can cause in the long run is that there is potential resentment building up in the 'other focused' person.
Global - detailed
Another obvious difference lies in the thinking styles. One partner might think very detailed and the other is a global thinker. This can look like this: One partner is busy doing all the detail work in the household, fixing things, needing to clean more often as they see the dirt more clearly, usually having things more organized and tidy, planning detailed family holidays. The global thinker will be failing to see details that need to be attended to, creating idealistic plans for future renovations, buying stuff that is not really being used and finding it hard to stick to consequent parenting style.
The problems that this can cause are that the global thinker will be overwhelmed at expectations of attention to detail and the detailed person will become frustrated if he or she has to do to many detail jobs that are undesirable.
Extrovert - introvert
These opposites are fairly well-known. It can look like this: One partner is very socially active, talkative, always on the phone with friends and mates, inviting friends and throwing parties. The other partner prefers to stay at home and read a book, potter in the garden or have intimate one-on-one time with their partner.
The problems that this can cause are that the extrovert person might be too bored without enough social stimulation whereas the introvert person will likely get overwhelmed with too much social activities.
Remember: Differences are to be expected and it's not whether one person needs to change but where as a couple can you find balance and compromise that works for both.
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